Mercy

I don't know about you, but in my struggle with sexual addiction, I have often been filled with shame and overwhelmed by voices of condemnation. But our God is good, His love endures forever, and His mercies are new every morning!!! If you've ever felt that same sense of shame that I've experienced, check out what God has to say through this man who I am blessed to call my pastor! See, we all sin and deserve condemnation, but Jesus gives us mercy!!! Thank You, Jesus!!!

Drawing

I did it again. Three nights ago, I gave in to my struggle. I read things I shouldn't have read. I thought things I shouldn't have thought. And I dealt with the guilt and the shame all over again. Sometimes it feels like a bad movie that, for some really stupid reason, I keep choosing to watch again, each time hoping it will end differently. It never does.

So, why did I do it? I asked myself that question the next day, and I quickly realized the answer.

It is a fact if life that we women are more, shall we say, emotional on certain days of the month. I have observed that we are all more vulnerable to Satan's attacks, in all their many forms, on those days. Three days ago, I had one of those days. As I went to bed, I felt exhausted, lonely, worried, and overwhelmed. My mind was too unsettled to sleep. I reached for my phone, and I made a choice.

The wrong choice.

I chose sin.

I could have chosen to open my YouVersion Bible app and find solace in my Savior. Instead, I chose to open my browser and find solace in my sin.

WHAT?!? How stupid is that, right?! Finding solace in your sin? Why did I think that would work? I mean, really, who does that?!

Well, if we're honest, I think a lot of us do. Satan isn't dumb enough to try to take down a strong Christian in a strong moment. What would that gain him? Just a good thrashing with the Word, most likely. No, instead he waits for our weak moments. We're human. We have those. And when we do, that's when he strikes. He sees us in our tired moments, our stressed moments, our painful moments, our monthly-womanly-emotional moments, and he seizes the opportunity to blast us with temptation. And what do we do? Unfortunately, all too often we do what I did. We choose sin.

But why? We know choosing the sin will only end with us feeling guilty and ashamed, and it takes just as much thumb power to open the browser as it does to open the Bible app. So why do we do it? Why, when life and death are set before us, do we choose death?

I think the answer is one of Satan's greatest, most effective schemes: he has convinced us that choosing the sin is easier than choosing the Savior.

In our weak moments, we're lazy. We want the quickest, easiest escape from what we're feeling, and Satan has convinced our subconscious that sin is it. He tries to make us believe that when Jesus tells us, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest," (‭Matthew‬ ‭11‬:‭28‬) that this "coming" is hard work. He tries to tell us that when the Word says, "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you," (James 4:8) that this "drawing" is like trying to climb a knotted rope all the way to heaven. Somehow, the enemy of our souls has duped us into thinking that when we are weak and weary and worn, that when we are empty and emotional and exhausted, that in those moments it is all but impossible for us to get to Jesus. And when we believe that lie, then in our weak moments when we are searching for solace, we will dive into our sin instead of diving into our Savior.

So the question becomes: what do we do about it?

Well, the only way to fight any lie is with the Truth. In this case, the truth is that Jesus is with us in our weakest moments, and He certainly won't leave us in the middle of them. In fact, He promised us that when He said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)  And when He told us to come to Him and draw near to Him, that's really just as simple as calling out His name.

Satan would have us believe that it's a long, difficult journey to get to Jesus, but a short, easy step into our sin. The truth is that both sin and Savior are right there waiting for us. The one we choose to draw near to is the one that will draw near to us and envelop us.

Whom are we drawing near to?

Focus

I don't have a sexual addiction problem.

You don't have a sexual addiction problem.

You don't have an alcohol problem. Or a drug problem. Or an anger problem. Or a gossip problem. Or a pride problem. Or a fear problem. Or...or...or...

We have a problem, but it isn't any of these. Our problem is a focus problem.

See, when we get lost in these sins, the root of the problem always lies with our focus. No matter what the sin struggle is, the heart of the problem is always the same: we have taken our focus off of Jesus and placed it on something else. And more often than not, that something is ourselves.

Unfortunately, we often run into the same problem when we try to find victory over our addictions and struggles. Many of us, myself included, have tried and failed and tried and failed and tried and failed to overcome to the point that we simply feel hopeless. Why? Why can't we get there? Why, when we so desperately want to overcome, are we unable to do it?

I think the reason we are unable to overcome is the same reason we ended up in this sin in the first place: our focus problem. I may be the only one, but I bet I speak for a lot of us when I say that when I have tried to overcome my sexual addiction, I have spent all my energy and focus and effort on not sinning. And there we find the problem.

You see, when we focus on not sinning, our focus is still on the sin! Sure, we're now focused on not doing it instead of focused on doing it, but our focus is still on the sin. That's a problem. Our focus should only. ever. always. be on Jesus.

Hebrews 12:1 tells us to "throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles" and to "run with perseverance the race marked out for us." So how? How do we throw off this sin and run the race of life the way we're supposed to? Verse 2 gives us the answer. We do it by "fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith."

Wow. We don't get rid of sin by trying to get rid of sin. (In fact, I think the devil would be perfectly content if none of us ever sinned again, so long as he could keep us focused on not sinning instead of focused on Jesus.) We get rid of sin by fixing our eyes on Jesus.

The truth is, wherever we fix our eyes, the rest of our being will follow. Where will we fix our eyes today?

Hard

Why is it so hard?

Yesterday I started the journey to overcoming. (Started it for the hundredth time, but that's beside the point.) Honestly, I thought I would at least make it a day or two on this new-found resolve before I had to do battle with temptation again. Not so.

Tonight, as the house quieted and one by one the family drifted to their rooms for the night, I felt my mind being drawn back to my sexual addiction. I was furious with myself. Why?? Why do I so quickly and so easily gravitate to that which is so wrong? Why can't I be drawn to what is right instead? Why is it so hard?

The answer hit me like a ton of bricks: Because when your flesh is weak, you are drawn to that which pleases your flesh. 

In the grand scheme of things, today was not a hard day. Still, there were just enough challenges in today to make me tired, weary, weak. On top of that, for some reason, tonight I was overcome with a longing for my future husband that brought me to tears. I felt lonely, impatient, weak.

So, with my flesh weak both inside and out, I felt the vacuum of addiction and desire to please my flesh sucking me toward the pit of sin. But the Word of God came to my rescue and reminded me that I am not bound to do what my flesh would have me do.

"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God. You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit." (‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭5-9‬ NIV)

For a long time now I have been living as one "in the realm of the flesh", that is, one who has not received new life in Christ and been given the gift of the Holy Spirit. But that is not who I am! I have received new life in Christ. I do have the gift of the Holy Spirit. I am not governed by my flesh or bound to do what my flesh desires. I am in the realm of the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom! (2 Corinthians 3:17)

I am claiming my freedom from this flesh and this addiction!! If you are in Christ, whatever your struggle is, won't you claim this freedom with me? It's been given to us. It's there for the taking. Let us accept the gift!!

If you don't know Jesus yet, that means you're still in the "realm of the flesh." And according to Romans 8, the mind governed by the flesh not only doesn't submit to God's law, it can't. No matter how hard you try, without His Spirit, you cannot do it. But that's why God sent Jesus, His only Son, to take the punishment of death so our sins could be forgiven and to be raised back to life so that we could have eternal life with Him. When we make the choice to believe in Jesus, we take the leap from the "realm of the flesh" to the "realm of the Spirit", and that's where freedom is found.

Is it still hard?

Yes, sometimes.

Why?

Because our flesh still exists.

So what's the difference?

The difference is that, though our flesh still exists, we're no longer governed by it.

The difference is it's hard, not impossible.

My Struggle

I am single. And I am addicted to sex.

There you go. That's about as honest as it gets, don't you think?  But that's the point of this. I need to be honest. I have to be honest.

Now when I say I'm addicted to sex, that could mean a lot of things. A lot of us are addicted to sex, and it looks different on each of us. Let me tell you what it means for me.

For me, it doesn't mean I run around town having sex with every guy I meet. I've never even kissed a guy (unless you count that time when I was five), and I only held hands with one once when I was thirteen.  In fact, the thought of actually having sex weirds me out at best and frightens me at worst.

For me, it doesn't mean spending hours watching pornography. Though I have seen a handful of pornographic images, and if I'm honest, it disturbs me.

For me, it means I read about sex. A lot. No pictures. No actions. Just words. Black and white on a screen late at night. I think the technical term is "erotica". That might not seem like a big deal to you, but it is. It might not seem "as bad" to you, but it is. I can tell you that I walk around with the same feelings as the young woman who repeatedly gives her body away or the man who just can't stop clicking and looking and clicking and looking. We all feel it: the shame, the fear, the anger, the despair. It doesn't matter what form the addiction takes, the result is the same: It's still sex. It's still addiction. It's still wrong.

There are those who will argue with me. They'll say it isn't wrong. They'll say I'm wrong for thinking it's wrong. Perhaps I'll address that in a later post. For now, I'll just say that I know it is wrong because I watch it eat away at my relationship with Jesus and pull me further from Him. That's not okay with me, and I don't think it's okay with Him either. So I must overcome. With His help, in His strength, I must overcome.

I think that's why He led me to start this blog--a step in the direction of overcoming. But I don't think He just wants to overcome my struggle; I think He wants to use my struggle. Just like He wants to use yours. It is my prayer that this won't just be a blog. I pray that this will become a community where we can come together in Him so that we can overcome together in Him.

Come join me, friend. Don't worry about being judged; the playing field is level here. We all have a struggle. We all need to overcome. There's only one way to do that, and His name is Jesus. Let the end begin here!